


Stop Calling Me

by Magz (sparklepocalypse)



Category: Angel: the Series
Genre: Also slash-ish, And crack. Mostly crack., Crack, Dialogue-Only, M/M, Okay definitely crack., Script Format-ish
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-09
Updated: 2015-08-09
Packaged: 2018-04-13 15:53:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 731
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4528134
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sparklepocalypse/pseuds/Magz
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Script format-ish, based on my reaction to spoilers for AtS 5.20.  Giles calls.  Repeatedly.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Stop Calling Me

_On an ordinary day at Wolfram and Hart, attorneys at don't mess with us or we'll turn your mama into something icky..._

*ring ring*

Harmony: Hello?

Giles: Yes, this is Rupert Giles. I have to speak to Angel about a matter of great import.

Harmony: Hold on, let me transfer you. *beep beep* Boss, it's Rupert Giles?

*muffled talking*

Harmony: Sorry, Mr. Giles. Angel says fuck off.

*click*

*ring ring*

Harmony: Hel -

Giles: It's Buffy, she's gone missing.

Harmony: Oh, it's you again. Boss, it's that guy again. What do you want me to tell him?

*muffled talking*

Harmony: He says to suck a Krevlak demon's cock, asshole.

*click*

*ring ring*

Harmony: Wolfram and Hart, we have caller ID.

*click*

*ring ring*

Angel: Hello?

Giles: Angel, this is Rupert Gi -

*click*

*ring ring*

Angel: Stop calling me.

*click*

*ring ring*

Angel: Hi, I'd like to change my phone number?

You can? Great. Thank you.

*click*

*ring ring*

Spike: Wot?

Giles: Spike, it's Rupert Giles.

*click*

Spike: Any reason why Giles just called me?

*ring*

*click*

Angel: He said it was something important.

Spike: Maybe the git forgot how to clean his whites again.

*ring ring*

Angel: Look, you self-involved prick. My evil law firm and I aren't going to help you, so shove it up your ass, alright?

*click*

*ring ring*

Angel: Hello?

Willow: What the heck was that about?

Angel: Oh, sorry, Willow. Giles has been harassing me.

Spike (in the background): Make him stop!

Angel: Please?

Willow: I'll see what I can do.

*click*

*ring ring*

Spike: What're you wearin', Rupes?

*click*

*ring ring*

Spike: What now?

Andrew: Giles told me you wouldn't let him talk to you.

Spike: Call off your Watcher, Andrew.

Andrew: Anything you say, Spike.

*click*

*ring ring*

Spike: Verne's Pizza Joint, how may I help you?

Giles: Erm, sorry. I must've dialed incorrectly.

*click*

Angel: Where'd you learn the American accent?

Spike: Where do you think? MTV, o'course.

*ring ring*

Angel: Hello?

Giles: Buffy is missing and I can't find her anywhere, so help me, you ungrateful prat, before I send Robin Wood after you and make sure he _kills you_ this time.

Angel: Giles? This is Angel.

*click*

Angel: He tried to have you killed?

Spike (looking a little pale): Long story. I'll tell you about it sometime.

*ring ring*

Angel: No, I won't help you. Stop calling me, already. And leave Spike alone, too. I think you might've traumatized him.

*click*

*ring ring*

Giles: Pleeeeease?

Angel: No.

*click*

*ring ring*

Angel: Hello?

Andrew: This is Andrew again. Giles told me to tell you that if you guys don't help him find Buffy, he'll do something bad to you.

*muffled speaking in the background*

Andrew: Yeah. So you'd better -

Angel: Andrew? I have access to more evil than you do. Goodbye.

*click*

Spike: You _are_ more evil than they have access to.

*ring ring*

Spike: What?

Andrew: Giles said that if you don't help, he'll send some Slayers after you.

Spike (winces and rubs his forearms): Tell Giles that if you don't stop calling, I'll send Angelus after you.

*click*

Angel: Angelus?

Spike: You can act, right?

Angel: Angelus?

Spike: D'you really want me to go over there in full punk regalia, wearin' eyeliner, with a safety pin through m'eyebrow?

Angel: *ponders*

Spike: Rhetorical question, you nonce. Stop thinkin' dirty thoughts about me an' eyeliner.

Angel: I wasn't -

*ring ring*

Angel: Grand Central Station, how may I direct your call?

Willow: Hey, it turns out Buffy's missing. She's dating some guy called the Immortal.

Spike (listening in): Joe? I wonder how he's doin'.

Willow: He doesn't like vampires.

Spike (continues): Hope he fell onto the pointy end of his broadsword about a century ago.

Willow: Just thought you might want to know.

Angel: Thanks, Willow.

*click*

Spike: Don't even think about it, mate. We are not rescuin' our ex. She's after a normal life, remember?

Angel: But he's so... ugly.

Spike: Yeah, well, I didn't hear anyone complain when your hairline receded.

Angel: *touches hair self-consciously, then glares at Spike*

*ring ring*

Spike: _No vampiros con almas aquì!_

*click*

*ring*

*click*

Angel: You know, if we keep sitting here waiting for the phone to ring again -

*ring*

*click*

Angel: - then it's just going to drive us insane. Want to go kill something?

Spike: Thought you'd never ask.

*ring ring*

*ring ring*

*ring ring*


End file.
